Sky Sports vs ESPN: Richard Keys and Ray Stubbs

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Host (Sky) - Richard Keys

Warmth, wit, charisma. These are just three of the qualities Richard Keys never had, which makes you wonder how he’s stayed around for so long (25 years, by the way – he’s a veteran of TV-am). Given Keys is every inch the anti-Des, surely Jeff Stelling should be given the captain’s armband.

Host (ESPN) - Ray Stubbs

In the same way Su Pollard’s Peggy never attained Yellow Coat status in Hi-De-Hi!, it appeared Stubbsy would never take centre stage at the Beeb; there was always a Des or Gary blocking his path. Well, that’s set to change as the nearly man gets his chance to shine. Could prove an inspired choice – there’s always been something endearingly quirky about the chirpy ex-Tranmere man.

Pundit (Sky) - Jamie Redknapp

He looks mighty fine, but what else does he bring to the party? Starting every other sentence with the words “for me” grows tiresome. At least the excellent Gordon Strachan, Sky’s new boy, will redress the balance.

Pundit (ESPN) - Ian Wright

Makes a lot of noise, but little sense. The signing of Wrighty (possibly only short-term) is an own goal. Imagine the meeting at ESPN Towers, the powers-that-be cradling their Frappuccinos as they consider the candidates to join Stubbsy: “Yeah, what we need is ‘banter’.” No, what we need is for that word to be banned, and for ESPN to have tried harder in their search for a pundit.

Commentator (Sky) - Martin Tyler

Ah, sweet Martin, the one sane man swimming in a sea of screeching halfwits. Assured, accomplished, a soothing presence; deserves extra credit for maintaining grace under fire while Andy Gray shrieks, squawks and shouts, despite the Scot sitting right next to him.

Commentator (ESPN) - Jon Champion

A solid, reliable commentator who lets a match tell its own story; unlike many of his rivals, has no annoying habits of note and no rambling Tyldesley-esque soliloquies.

Co-commentator (Sky) - Andy Gray

Gray the footballer seems to get better and better the longer he’s been retired. Yes, he was a decent forward, but to listen to his mid-match boasts you’d be convinced he was Scotland’s answer to Alfredo di Stefano. Has been a shouty, catchphrase-reliant self-parody for years. “Take a bow, son.” No, actually, don’t.

Co-commentator (ESPN) - Joe Royle

Royle has been there, seen it, done it as player and manager (unlike you, Mr Gray), though he’s hardly going to snare the younger demographic. That said, the Everton and Oldham Athletic veteran is that rare breed: he doesn’t turn everything back to himself (unlike you, Mr Gray).