Flatpack hell

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Along with dodging traffic wardens and filling in tax returns, assembling flatpack furniture is one of the banes of modern life. Sure, we all want to buy the stuff, it’s great value for money. But is it worth all the blood, sweat and tears it takes to put it together?Good news: the problem has been solved. Over the past couple of years a number of companies have sprung up to assemble your flatpack goodies for you.One of them is London-based EM Flatpack, which employs a 12-strong team of “assemblers” in natty uniforms – strapping fellows in their twenties and thirties, all coming from a background of carpentry, kitchen fitting, etc. In other words, experts in the assembly game.The firm’s founder and director, Kevin Mansfield, explains that they charge either per item of furniture – between £15 and £35, depending on its size and complexity – or if there are whole rooms to do, on a flat rate of £220 per eight-hour day.They handle furniture from a range of retailers: IKEA, Habitat, MFI, Argos, B&Q, and others. And the assemblers come equipped with nuts, bolts and screws, in case there’s some little bit missing from the flatpack – hardly an unknown occurrence. “We cover everywhere within the M25,” says Mansfield, “and only need a day or two’s advance notice to book a job in. We’ll work on weekends and in the evenings, too – obviously, a lot of our customers are out all day.”He says most of their customers could “do the job” themselves, they just didn’t have the time, energy or patience. Others, however, were pretty hopeless: “Like the man who wouldn’t hire us to put his three-section wardrobe together, because he considered our £90 fee too high.“He said he’d do it himself. The next day, after making a complete hash of it, he called again and we went round to do the job for him.“But now we had to charge £110, because the wardrobe had to be dismantled first before being put together.” He claims marriages have been saved by the timely intervention of his team. Apparently “flatpack bungling” causes serious rows between couples.A company offering similar services is the nationwide Flat Pack Amigos, which charges on an hourly basis. In London that’s £40 for the first hour, and £30 for each subsequent hour.“Our customers are mainly young professionals who are cash-rich and leisure-time poor,” says sales director Adrian Roberts.“Their idea of DIY is whipping out the Yellow Pages and the cheque book. DIY is dying out, anyway. This is the age of GSI - Get Someone In.”Amigos also has a helpline, which customers can ring if they need an expert to “talk them through” to the finish.Some firms will not only assemble your items, but fetch them (from IKEA only) and deliver them to your home. Unflatpack’s delivery charges start from £40 for orders costing up to £299, and rise incrementally after that. Assembly is billed at £30 an hour.Mike Ear, meanwhile, charges £25 for deliveries up to £100, with incremental rises after that, and assembly costs £30 an hour for one man, £50 an hour for two.