It’s best to say sorry for something you did wrong Darren Robb/The Image Bank

ACCORDING to the book of made-up statistics, 93 per cent of ­arguments between men and women start because someone hasn’t loaded the dishwasher properly. Why did people stay ­married in the old days? Because nobody had invented the ­dishwasher. Sure, washing-up caused issues, but there’s nothing like a dishwasher to stoke up some irritation. ­Dishwashers are a part of everyday life. As are ­marital disputes.

It is important you master them early on. The sooner you become the Jedi Knight of arguing, the sooner you can enjoy a happy marriage. If you fail to harness the power of the pointless ­domestic, it will grow and grow. And it will crush you. There will be nothing left but bitching and griping. We must not let that happen. I shall teach you everything I know about winning arguments.

1. Pick your fight

If you have obviously loaded the dishwasher wrong (­perhaps you put the tall cups where the small plates go), apologise. You cannot win. If you are halfway to the ­airport and remember you’ve left the passports on the hall table, apologise. Don’t allege it wasn’t your fault – it was. If, however, you have missed the last three football matches of note ­because of shopping trips, wade in. If you have statistics on your side, go for it.

2. Avoid the perennials

Arguments nobody can win – every relationship has them. She will always think you should eat veg with ­dinner, he will always think chips count as vegetables. If he never pairs his socks, use your female yogi powers to not dwell on it. If she always asks where you last had your keys when you’ve lost them, block it out. These are hard-wired scenarios. ­Nobody can win.

3. Don’t go too far

So the dishwasher was ­almost loaded right. Your loved one thinks not. You’re both tired. You’re having a bit of a hoo-haa. This is fine. This is letting off steam. Get things off your chest and move on. But don’t say ­unrelated things you don’t mean in the heat of an ­argument, such as: “I’ll load the ­dishwasher how I like ­because you slurp your tea like a dog.” Or: “My last ­boyfriend always loaded the dishwasher properly and he was better in bed!”

4. Observe the rules of the doghouse

Also according to my book of made-up statistics, 99.7 per cent of arguments are lost by men. If you lose so badly you end up in the doghouse, treat the doghouse with respect. Remember you have no ­control over when you leave. Your sentence is recalculated on an hourly basis by the ­parole board (aka girlfriend/wife). Flirting and light-hearted banter is interpreted as attempts to escape the doghouse. Flowers are the exception, though expect no gratitude. You can give ground on long-running domestic stand-offs to lighten the sentence. Though is reconciliation really worth a lifetime of her putting ­cutlery in the dishwasher the wrong way round?

William Walker’s First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story (HarperPress, £6.99) is out today