A couple snogging on the Tube REX

SUMMERTIME is officially here and that means buttons undone, rising hemlines and lots of flirtation. Unfortunately, this also means, for some of us not so lucky in love, being penned in next to loved-up couples in the first heady throes of romance.

While it’s wonderful for you, it’s not so great for us to look at, (Alexa Chung and Alex Turner, please note.)

As Boris Johnson is highly unlikely to ban couples feeding each other food on the Tube or full-on snogging, we have created our own guide of what displays of affection are acceptable. If you aren’t too busy groping each other to read it, that is.

GRIPE NO 1: WHAT’S THE HOLD-UP?

This is when a couple, oblivious to the crowd around them, move at tortoise-speed, slowing other commuters down. Worse, holding hands while weaving through crowds means you clothes-line other commuters trying to rush past the other way.

Advice: Relationship expert Anita Naik says you need to be aware of what day it is. She says: “Weekends are fine because Londoners shift into a slower pace and while it is easy to get carried away if you’re in a new relationship, don’t irk other passengers.”

Acceptable public display of affection (PDA): There is no acceptable PDA, you just have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship will survive even if you’re not super-glued at the palm – even if a Tube station is too scary for you to brave alone.

GRIPE NO 2: LET’S GET PHYSICAL

We accept couples do more than just hold hands, but sharing of bodily fluids and groping is too much. The worst offenders are ones who attempt such behaviour on packed trains and buses, ensuring you can’t run away.

Advice:

“Time of day is a huge factor,” says Naik. “After the pubs shut it’s a bit more acceptable to snatch a cheeky kiss, but first thing in the morning is revolting. As for couples who actually invade your personal space, I once had a couple knocking into me every few seconds – I told them and they stopped.”

Acceptable PDA:

Peck on cheek or lips, and a PG-rated embrace.

GRIPE NO 3: ‘NO, YOU’RE CUTER…’

Having to overhear loved-up conversations, from the downright filthy “Wait till I get you home” leers to the equally nauseating, “No, you’re cuter” simper.

Advice:

Some couples seek validation from others overhearing their declarations of love. If it’s really unbearable and a long train journey, there’s nothing like a long snigger to inject some paranoia into them.

Acceptable PDA:

Keep it to a low whisper. If people are shifting away from you or scowling, you are too loud.